Regrets and admiration

In August 2000, I told my father that I was leaving the church. A little later, he came to me in tears, because he was watching Fiddler on the Roof, and the part of the film, of Chava marrying outside the faith, brought him worry that he & the family would lose me forever. When I was recently told he was coming to his end, that scene from Fiddler on the Roof, especially the music in it, played in my head that night into the next day. Particularly, the quiet strings at the beginning kept repeating & repeating, like a haunting, the vocals would fight to be heard, because I wasn't letting my dad's love fully enter. And I also thought the lyrics were out of place, because they were about a daughter & not a son. But I soon accepted that they were about a parent's love for his or her child.
And I also let my dad's love enter. I was at work when his passing was announced to me, and I knew I couldn't break down at work, I had to keep going for my shift, keep my stage-face on. For a long time when I was a teen, I was upset with him, because I had to watch him fall apart & I felt he was letting himself break down. When I was a kid, he seemed so much stronger & confident- I hoped I could be as bright & sophisticated as he was. I had a hard time understanding his mental & physical troubles were beyond his control. In March 2000, just hours before I returned to college from spring break, he sat me down & explained all his mental ailments to me. He didn't want me to have the same inner problems he had.
When I was a kid, I always loved to hug him, because he was a big & tall man, and it was like hugging "a great, big teddy bear." And he studied genealogy (family history) all the time, and mapped out our heritage & ancestry for us & many other people. A few years ago, he gave a revelation & full biography about a black woman who was our ancestor; he did this to bravely confront a fear & prejudice that my grandma had from her generation & sector of society.
I owe my curiosity of history, politics, science & culture, and desire to help & love the world, to him, and am saddened that he won't get to see what projects & stories I plan to give in the future... or in this life. I love him & will miss him. Warren Webber